Pop Punk jump to the defence of players

After contradicting stories emerged from the two camps about how Lewis Branston sustained his injury, we contacted AFC Pop Punk manager Paddy Mckeever to see if he could clear things up:
"It saddens me in this day and age that a football club can be so homophobic, I know Lewis Branston is a bit rapey and needs some help with that issue but for his club to even deny his sexuality, it saddens me, Ike Dyer is a tri sexual (men, woman and animals) and we don't judge him for what he does in his personal time just what he does on the pitch, which is frankly not good enough at the moment but that's another story"

"I've seen the CCTV footage and it proves how fabricated The Vikings story was not only were The Vikings players drinking heavily all night but the so called "old woman" who was collecting for "charity" was in fact the same person who was also described as Branstons "beautiful actress girlfriend" none other than famed cross dresser Lilly Savage. She/He had not even got involved until well after the incident and the only money she was trying to collect was money to spend the night with him/her. So not only did Branston get his lights punched out and get injured, his "girlfriend" also spent the night with his team mate Ilmari Jukka for the princely sum of five pounds. Its all on camera and indisputable! Also the footage clearly shows Branston wasn't trying to shake anyone's hand, not unless he's confused about what exactly a hand is, lets just leave it at that!"

"I understand The Vikings are trying to paint themselves as a family club and have an image to maintain but all this lying in the press is surely marring their position at the top of the league. Daves Disco Bar doesn't even serve food so the players couldn't have been having a meal and as the CCTV clearly shows their players had all been drinking Tenants Super for most of the night, maybe their manager was unaware of this and just jumped to the support of his players, that would be understandable"

"I've never had any problems in my personal dealings with The Vikings and the spokesman obviously got into trouble for telling the truth hence the sudden claim of the quote being fake! as for our own celebrations, we've done pretty well since I came to the club and are still unbeaten under my management, I though giving the players a few days off and letting the new lads settle in was the least I could do given the amount of effort they have put in for me, letting their hair down once in a while is good for the players I think and the disgust at the initiations are laughable, we've done a lot worse things to new players in my time here, Odinson Thor had to spend the night with Lilly Savage and Lewis Branston! The poor lad still hasn't spoken since! and even worse than that we forced Cedric Roussell to watch The Vikings train, the lad slept so much after we thought he was in a coma, turns out it was just extreme boredom due to their poor methods"

Paddy then went off to answer his phone and left assistant manager Ronan Keating to explain why despite his heroics, Adolf Crippler had been transfer listed:
"We can confirm that despite a restraining order Lewis Branston has been turning up at Adolf Cripplers house and breaking in whilst the Crippler family slept, Adolf was shaken to wake up this morning to find Branston in his bed and would like to move away to play abroad for the safety of his family"

"We feel this move suits both parties well as Crippler has been unable to concentrate on playing football and the club have many capable players in defence and would like the money to further strengthen other areas of the team, we wish him well in his future endeavours"