The Game's Afoot, What's On?

Crimea River finally managed to finish a match with the same starting eleven that took to the field in a 2-1 triumph over table bottomers PSV Eindhoven.

Samir Nasri and Carl Spegel grabbed the goals for the visiting side while freekick missing machine Andrei Arshavin missed his squajillionth freekick of the season. Claudio Collauto grabbing the consolation for the home side from, yes, a freekick.

But the real talking point was the Crimea River post match conference...
"Yes, there were a few harsh statements by some slavering nutjob stating the patently obvious bandied about pre match," intoned the Crimea River head coach, "but to those people I can only recount the old tale of the Easter Bunny."
"Once upon a time the Easter Bunny put all his chocolate eggs in one basket. Unfortunately, due a disastrous clerical error, Santa delivered all the chocolate eggs for Halloween. Proving that a bird in the hand is indeed worth two in the china shop. Which should hopefully clear everything up."
"But I am not here today to talk about rumours of any relationship with fellow manager Kilie_gers sister, Kelie_gers. Though I can confirm we did spend a wonderful evening at the Cock in Hand. Chaperoned by Kilie_gers of course. Well, at least until the unfortunate incident where our waiter, upon serving a small ball of assorted fine breads, suggested that Kilie might like a knob of butter. Police may or may not have been involved but I think it is safe to assume Kilie will be out of jail in no time."
"Kilie and I did, however, have some opportunity to discuss some matters regarding goings on in the RMI and came to the conclusion that this is a league full of Collosi. Titans. Olympians you could say. MANagers here strut around like they own Mount Olympus itself.”
“Kilie and I both feel that these MANagers should test themselves against each other in a series of sporting events and, inspired by the recent Winter Olympics, which we are proud to announce the first ever RMI Commonwealth Games."
"The inaugural games will be held soon and, as is tradition, the ceremony will open with the throwing of a caber. Kilie and I discussed this at length and both agree that the honour of lobbing the first trunk should fall to the biggest tosser in the league, Ajtrader100."
"Following the opening ceremony MANagers will participate in a spelling bee which, to reflect the multi-nationality of the league, will include words from all languages. Translated into English. Certainly an event to get all the cunning linguists out there a little hot under the collar."
"Next up a harrowing trial to test the mettle of all in the Urinating Up a Wall competition. An event where bookies favourite Cathalio11 should find himself pushed hard by the challenge of up-and-comer FMRealism. A man himself making RMI Commonwealth Games history as he represents both Gooners and Dream Team in all events."
"And to round things off the eagerly anticpitated Cock fighting competition where, controversially, gold medal contendors Cocks18 and Supergayschlongman have been paired against each other in the opening round. While this pairing may have been the purists choice for the final the air is heavy with the sweat of anticipation as crowds look forward to seeing these two proud, and slightly effeminate, men strut to the ring with their magnificent cocks clutched tightly in their hands."
"At least I know I am," concluded the River head coach.

And with that Ithaqua left to whisk Kelie_gers away to parts unknown muttering something about “landing a Martian probe on Venus.”

Meanwhile reporters were taken to the Theatre of Tragedy training grounds for a sneak peak at recently bailed Kilie_gers Games preparation with several reporters reduced to tears at seeing the big man taking on and beating off some of the Crimea River youth side.