'Mea Culpa

Hairdressing magnate, and stylist to the rich and famous, Barbara Seville has today announced the purchase of Arsenal UK for an undisclosed sum of econs, believed to be 0, reports Bospor Crimea Sports correspondent Trudi Lukin-Glass.

Following the takeover the London-based side were whisked off to the Crimean peninsula, rebranded Crimea River and entered a ground-sharing agreement with MSE Premier League side FC Yukay, another of Ms Seville's stable of teams.

Ms Seville also wasted no time in appointing favoured son Ithaqua as temporary head coach, though with only 5 days VIP remaining and an Xpert rating not conducive to being in charge of three teams doubts remain about the coaches long term commitment to the role.

FC Yukay, Novery Athletic and Kay FC coach Ithaqua said, "I was shocked to receive the call from Ms Seville to be honest, I had no idea there were plans in place to expand her footballing interests."

"Obviously though I am delighted, I've been an ardent Crimea River supporter since the club was formed last night and the chance to lock horns with such managerial lightweights as RobinMeeblind, Eaglesrjh and Ocks18 was too good an opportunity to pass up."

"We've had a chance to review the footage of yesterdays loss to Bully Boys FC and assess the squad in training this morning and, frankly, I'm a bit disappointed," rambled on the gauche coach, " and, obviously, we need to reverse the worrying trend of mimicing Mr Wengers philosophy of only signing players nearing the end of their careers while ushering out the young talent."

"Aims for the season? Ideally a bit of stability, promotion is probably beyond the current squad so we'll look to keep the training costs for the season down and make some wholesale changes to the playing staff at the end of the season."