The Crimea River press box was awash with nonchanlance as River head coach Ithaqua, arriving finely dressed in a dapper and crisply pressed Saville Row suit, strutted confidently to his awaiting throne at the summit of the awaiting throng.
Coughing lightly to clear his throat the immaculately manicured and well spoken River head coach addressed the unwashed throng of reporters,
"Gentlemen, thank you for coming today. I realise many have been waiting with breath baited in the hopes of snaring a silver darling of a comment from my good self regarding the latest poisonous outburst from uncouth, and not VIP, yobbish yob, one Mr Kilie_gers."
"We all bore witness last season as _gers tirelessy worked to expose wrongdoing within the league. And yes, yes we all enjoyed the very infrequent chuckle at the poor prose, terrible grammar and third grade spelling along the way. But no longer can I stand idly by as the good names of good people, and good upstanding VIP's, like Robinmeeblind, Eaglesrjh, Solongsuperman and myself are besmirched and, in some cases, blatantly poorly rhymed."
"Just look at the press today as Kilie accuses AJ of forsaking him when a mere few days ago Kilie himself callously dismissed Aj's feeling for him as casually as one may casually dismiss their servant from a swingers party that one might have organised last night. And Did Kilie stop there? Did he I ask you? No I answer. No he did not. Not content with viciously emasculating our long time friend, and comedy straight man, Kilie asked, nay forced, AJ to participate in the sickening goading of the ravishing, foxy and deliciously VIP, Daisy_D."
"What kind of man would force another man, a man who clearly loves and idolises the other man after the other man has cold-heartedly rejected the man, to aid in faux pursuit of the object of the other mans faux attentions? I honestly do not know. But what I do know is that that man would not be VIP. And that that man is Kilie_gers."
"Today gentlemen, today I am here to set the record straight. Today I will expose the lunatic behind the man. Today I will regale you with a tale of treachery, mistaken identity and a smattering of in-jokes that few will understand. So gather round the metaphorical fire and listen carefully as I tell the tale called The Ballad of Kilie_gers."
"A long time ago in a galaxy league far, far away..."
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