Momma Mia!

Paddy Mckeever dismissed his sides 2-1 defeat to Totaalvoetbal as "irrelevant, they are a fantastic side and we didn't expect to have a chance of beating them so for it to be so close for long periods we're delighted with that!"

Mckeever declared himself delighted with recent signing Mario Mckeever brother of club legend Luigi Mckeever. "Mario was amazing today, I didn't mention him when I discussed all the new players as I wanted him to earn a mention and some praise and he took his chance really well today! They dominated possession but as our defence, especially Remy Gambit were in such good form we managed to limit their chances but as they are such a quality side they only needed a few to beat us!"

"We hit them on the break and Mario scored a wonderful long range shot. I've shown my faith in him by shipping Johnny Douglas out of the club, when Johnny found out he wasn't in the starting line up he had a hissy fit and stormed off, he's not a temperamental player but I've been picking on him all week, he looks a lot like Ivan Drago from Rocky 4 so I've been making him say silly catchphrases and do the Ivan Drago training montage instead of normal training, it was one of the reasons I left him out of the side to be honest because all that messing about had worn him out, plus all the rumours about being reunited with Cath, it all got a bit too much for him I think."

"Mighty Mojos will be a wonderful home for him, he'll play regularly I'd imagine and he'll have a more supportive manager than me and I think he'll flourish. Its nice for Luigi to have another Mckeever to come in and play as he winds down his career, I've got high hopes that Mario may just become a club legend!"

Paddy declined to comment on rumours that Mario and Luigi Mckeever were italian relatives of his that he had brought into the country to play for Padston Villa and work for Paddy's plumbing business. The rumours suggest Paddy got to keep any signing on fee's and transfer fee's that were involved.

We don't wish to cast doubt on Paddy but it would explain how he managed to afford to develop a genetics lab that managed to produce a dog the same size as Clifford the big red dog. The dog which was named Paddington has been chained to the home ground of Padston Villa and guards the ground against terrorist attacks and away supporters who don't put their rubbish in the bins provided